Afraid

I responded to Write.as Cues the other day with the topic being 'Afraid'.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

My response was...

In all reality, if we're not afraid, I don't know if I would want to be alive. The things that I fear are the most important to me. My wife, my children, dear friends. If those fears or worries were gone would that mean I was all alone? I will be happy to hold onto my fear. What it comes with is way too important.

I wanted to talk about this just a little longer. I think some people consider fear a completely bad thing. We have people who then also brag that they “aren't afraid of anything”. I have sometimes even caught myself saying such things.

But I do get afraid. I worry constantly about my kids, and I am pretty sure I always will. Especially in today's world. If I take them to any public place I am ultra aware, looking for exits, inspecting people in the room. It doesn't help that in a past life I was a soldier. I've seen ugly and want it nowhere near them.

I worry about work, why? Because again, losing my job directly affects my kids. If I lose work, maybe we have to move, they have to change schools, new daycare, relearn a bunch of people, learn to trust them. It's a pain in the arse.

I am afraid of death. Not for me, to be honest I can't wait at times. But I can't go, again there are those who depend on me. Are they ready? Have I done enough to prepare them for that time? There are things I still want to teach them.

You see, I am very afraid. Not shuttering in my shoes scared, but scared. This mixed with a good dose of worry. If I were not afraid, something seriously wrong is going on. Very important things are missing in my life. I go as far as saying at this point. They are my purpose. Without them, who am I? So I am scared. And happy to be.

#Essay